In my family we have this custom. When someone is ready to pass away we let everyone know they can come and say their last goodbyes. Friends, Family. Colleagues. Acquaintances. Anyone who feels like they want to come. Like when we were told my Dad wasnt gonna make it. I cant remember what they said. Hours or a couple days left maybe. Cant remember. I didnt believe it. But they put the call out anyway. His hospital room and ward were already full of family and friends. Constant coming and going. Anyway they put the call out. And they came in droves. Whenever my mother and siblings were all in the room I left. I had this thing where I beleived my dad wouldnt leave us if we werent all together. And he didnt. Then my uncle said we all had to stop being selfish and let him go. Trouble is I didnt believe it. Until I looked down at my dad on his hospital bed. So uncomfortable. In such pain. His eyes closed but his face grimaced. Unconscious for 3, maybe 4 days. Suddenly I knew. I was holding his hand. Stroking his hair. And I said “Dad. I know you hurt. If you are ready to go then you go. Dont stay for us, its ok. Go when your ready. ” And then he opened his eyes for the first time in 3 days. He looked at me, smiled, took a deep breath. Then passed away. As he left he squeezed my hand and I said “You were my rock”. Then I broke.It was in that moment that I believed he was going to die. And I couldnt comprehend it. Read the rest of this entry ?
Archive for the ‘Grief’ Category
When it’s time to join the fray of life again we often make the mistake of saying to ourselves “It’s time to join the fray of life again!”.
Confused? Well its simple really, when we pass through the initial stages of grief, sometimes we tell ourselves its “time to get back to the swing of things” because we have grieved long enough and life is continuing on.
But how long is long enough when we have suffered such a deep loss?
If you lose a parent a child a spouse or a job or a relationship, think of the level of attachment we have to that person (or job, etc). If it’s a parent or child, these are people we have known and loved deeply all our lives so what makes us think we can cope with a loss of that magnitude within a specific timeframe? We cant! It took a lifetime to build such trust and love and its understandable that it can take a while to come to terms with losing such an important attachment in your life. It may be even more intense with the loss of a spouse.
Ok I’ve been thinking about these ideas for a while and they never seem to form into concrete thoughts enough to make sense to me. Its been driving me crazy trying to think of ways to put the basic ideas into words so I can gain a wider perspective but I’ve tried here, but I still feel like Im at square one! I dont know, I may write about these ideas at a later date but for now, I have written my basic thoughts on changing our perceptions to control our grief emotions, and even if some points dont necessarily seem to connect, its probably because I havent written them out very well. Im posting my ideas anyway in case anyone wants to add their own thoughts or ideas, I welcome all perspectives.
Sometimes we get tired of feeling our emotions. We endure them, we suffer them and on the odd occasion we might find them comforting for a moment (what we find familiar feels safe to us, even if its negative). It’s especially hard when we’re dealing with the grief process. We deal with it in many different ways for many different reasons – loss of a loved one, unable to be with a loved one, loss of a job, loss of a process… or just, loss.
And so what do we do when we are tired of dealing with our emotions? Do we even acknowledge that we’re tired of it : “Ok this sucks, I feel like total crap but I have just had enough. I am totally sick of feeling like this”.
Many people think they experience grief for the first time when they lose a loved one. Friend, family member or someone you feel close to. You’re probably familiar with the term ‘The Five Stages of Grief‘, known as the Kübler-Ross model, a concept first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death & Dying. The book describes the five stages as: Keep reading