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The Dance in the Basement

May 31, 2010

I want to share something with you. Outwardly, its not profound or deep or even significant. But its an experience that each of us lives for. An experience that cuts through all the boundaries to show us the purity of our souls. Or not. Whether we hurt or bleed in some way, or whether we flow through life living for the next moment, there is always the experience of

Connection.

During the past couple of months I’ve journeyed to places I never thought I would. I thought I’d visited the depths of despair in previous times and I thought there could never be worse feelings. But I discovered how wrong I was. Despair has a basement. It even has its own Hell. I lay down on the basement floor and felt the heat. I wondered if it would burn me. At times I even dared it to.

The dance of depression is complicated. And easy. Its complicated when you think about it. When you analyze it. But when you just feel it, its more simple than you could dream.

When you decide to look up from the basement of despair, sometimes all you see is a flicker of light. A brief flash and then nothing. When you see enough of these you stop analyzing. And just start feeling. That’s all you can do. Because you know if you keep depending on the flickers then the disappointment of Hope starts to erode any little fragments holding you together. Because you know already. Hope is disappointing.

Besides, you’ve relied on these flickers of light before. They’ve got you through and raised you up from the basement before. But somehow you always end up down here again. So you might as well stay put.

Anyway when you’ve tried everything to climb up from the basement, all that’s left is endurance. Or death. Those are your choices.

And then… a spark.

Don’t trust it. Same old story.

Wait..

No, don’t look.

I must.

And then you see it.

The spark.

Its not Hope. Or Promise. Its not even Redemption.

Its *Another. Taking the same steps you once took. And you feel for her.  You see her begin a journey you grew tired of. Gave up on. She struggles with something you once struggled with. But she shares the experience. And now you don’t feel alone.

Now you can get up. Now you can leave the basement.

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4 comments

  1. In the work that I have done with clients, what you are experiencing was part of their journey. The connection that you describe, from my perspective, is the bridge builder that you need to assist you on your path. I am glad that you found the person that can assist you. I am glad that you have decided to move from the basement and your emotional hell.

    The journey has been long, but the benefits will be great. Be well


  2. Wow, Lola, a stupendously dizzying and amazing post about the experience of crawling up from the bottom of the pit (where any of us with any pride of character, emotional honesty or introspection find ourselves once in a while).

    You are right. These are the moments we live for.

    We wake up, we take showers, we get dressed, we put on our socks, we buy groceries, we make meals, we load the dishwasher, we clean out the garage, we pay bills, we floss, we…

    … live for these moments of connection, when we are seen and heard for who we really are.

    Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for letting me see you.


  3. What I’m struck by is how you bring us, your readers, on your journey with you…..down to the basement…..down to the depths of despair….and then back up to give it another shot.

    Your descriptions are beautiful.


  4. TY all for such kindess I will reply soon, it has been a reflective time lately but I am feeling your words <3



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